Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”