If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.