Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My life in a nutshell
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
🤣🤣💀
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Jail
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.