Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
a public service announcement
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n