Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
😂😂😂😂😂😂
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.