“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.