Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Brands during Pride
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Bring back the McRib
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.