*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I only eat vegetarians.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.