Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.