My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
buys donuts instead
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The glockness monster
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!