Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You Might Also Like
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
So true for me
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕