The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans