I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
monday
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?