her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞