My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
All excellent questions
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
New menu item
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler