Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
They must have gotten it to go.