given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
This is me
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.