interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
getting old is fun
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter