Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …