<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.