Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card