Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
What flavor cupcake are these
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.