[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.