A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.