plant them where lol
You Might Also Like
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.