My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
japanese corn
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up