If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog