Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.