Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10