dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You Might Also Like
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Plant care tips
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?