my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”