[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️