Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.