I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Put a ring on it
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help