*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.