I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
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My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Oh yeh? Explain this then
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.