me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.