Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence