The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Yup….perfect score!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.