Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
You Might Also Like
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.