[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”