I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.