People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Wait a minute…
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself