I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
You Might Also Like
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like