Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My inexpensive home security system…
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers