*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Got him!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck