Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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*weighs self after shaving
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Look at this
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?