Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.