My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”