[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
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it be like that
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]